How to visit America without gaining 45kg..

I DON’T KNOW!! I really don’t, this post is all a lie, I went to America and gained 4 stone an hour, but look let me give you a guide through the lens of hindsight anyway. Also just to add this is the first time I’ve ever put on weight in the States. Overall I find American food to be the least appealing thing on the planet and usually eat nothing while I’m there but upon travelling to New York last week that opinion went out the window and I ate everything in sight. So let this be a future learning guide to all of us, as presumably we’ve already done the damage could have been the J1 tonne, could have been the Paddy’s day pounds, doesn’t matter, lets not dwell on that any further for fear not I will tell you how to avoid this treacherous weight gain in future.

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First things first, pre-holiday you may be tempted to shed whatever winter weight gain your currently hanging onto in the run up to your holiday. That’s totally fine. You go to the gym, you tidy up your diet, and you start all this a healthy 8 or so weeks before the holiday. Grand, but if like me you panic crash-diet 3 weeks before you jet off you’re gonna have a bad time. You think nah it’s fine, cut out all carbs and eat a solid diet of dust and green tea for the next three weeks with a daily double gym session running on empty – no bother to ya. I mean who needs nutrients anyway right? Ammiright? And would you look at that standing in the mirror about to head to Dublin airport and there is barely a sight of you, perrrrfect. tumblr_men00bmnse1r60h6bo1_250

Oh no no no, not only are you a big fecking eejit who is seriously damaging her health you’re also setting yourself up for a colossal fall once you hit the US of A. I mean you’re not heading over for a Canyon Ranch detox experience now are you (Sidenote: sorry if you are, you fab bitch.) No you’re not, whether it be New York, Chicago or Vegas, you’re most likely going over to have a fantastic time drinking and being drunk and eating and being everybody’s long lost cousin. So all those lovely pounds you managed to shed in that rapid space of time before your big trip are null and void as the first carb infused cocktail you touch has now hit you like a freight train and not only sent you to bed mouldy at 4pm, but has also made you bloat like an octopus. So here we must ask is it better to have lost and loved than to have lost at all? IF you’re not gonna do it the right way just don’t do it at all, start the diet when you come home, believe me it’s just not worth it.

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Next step, eat with your stomach not your eyes. Do you know when the last time I really wanted a hot dog from the side of the street was? Never, why would anyone want one of those? That is never up until last Saturday when I could not tell myself otherwise. I  found it deathly important that I consume that hot dog as quickly as possible, salmonella? Pfft whatever. Mustard, yeh I’ll take that – have never consumed mustard before in my life. I mean really, I know you’re on holidays but what is the need for this? Like if it takes 12 napkins to remove the grease from your slice of pizza is that really something you wanna be eating? You could fill a sizeable oil tank with that, but no no this is a perfectly consumable piece of food you need to eat right now.

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Drunken Food… Now there is a slight saving grace here in the sense that for the most part its quite hard to obtain drunk food in New York past a certain hour. For the city that never sleeps they actually sorta do, so while you may stumble back to your hotel room at 4AM ravenous for a McDonalds having your uber driver look for one thats open as though he’s searching for the lost city of Atlantis, it will be in vain. However, if you find yourself all day day drinking this will not be a problem and all the food will be accessible to you, so in this case search inside the skinny you for a little bit of self restraint and avoid being the over indulgent drunk person you feel you should be now that you’re in America.

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Portion sizes, like c’mon now without causing offence there is a reason why America is the fattest country on the planet. Like beside the fact that the food is all super processed and genetically modified the portions could generally feed a small village in Africa, for a month. Let’s be honest you’re on holidays, you’re not gonna order the salad, you order the burger and low and behold the waiter comes out with half a cow between a slice pan on a plate, perfect. Do you…
A. send it back and rethink the salad option.
B. Cut it in half and leave the remainder like a well disciplined person would do or
C. Accept the challenge and devour the whole thing, given it may take you an hour but your mother didn’t raise a quitter.
Probably C.

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All jokes aside you’re on your jolliers and you’re there to enjoy yourself so just eat and drink what you like, unless you are going to live there or do a J1 then maybe take some of the above seriously because I don’t know how long the American diet is actually sustainable for in all honesty. 🙂

 

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